Dirty John

Since deciding to be on my own a while ago, I’ve found it harder and harder to sit myself down and begin to write.

Even now I’m finding myself going back and forth in an emotional turmoil of what to share and what not to share with you.

“To share or not to share… ?” hmm.

I don’t know, maybe this is because I’m scared of being… RE judged? 

I feel like decisions that I have had to selfishly make for my own sanity and my own sake, could have been taken the wrong way…through the grape vine ie… deciding I was better off alone for a while.

I know that there are always going to be alot of presumptions made already but then I think why let the truth get in the way of a good story? 

Well the answer to that is because I have got respect for myself and also sometimes people don’t want to believe the truth, they will believe what they want to believe because, lets be honest “gossip” is way more exciting… 

If I’m not raw with honesty in these blogs then why would anyone be interested in reading them? I know I certainly wouldn’t if someone was just writing what they believed others wanted to hear (read).

People will always talk, just like tabloids press, sensation sells…and there is nothing you can do about it! So its best not to listen…

It has taken me more than a month to recover from the events of the summer. – lyrical genius 

And I am still recovering.

People I don’t even know have said how much better I look, in myself, my persona, my energy… the list goes on.

But its all well and good looking good from the outside inwards but for me the inside is all over the show and so the outside, yes, may have improved. (I don’t look as if I’m on deaths door anymore..)

I’ve also noticed I feel less self conscious of people are staring at me because of how thin I look, (-ed).

If you haven’t read my previous blogs, please go back to the very beginning because I want to make it clear I don’t have an eating disorder, as still, yes believe it or not people will outright ask me “I’ve heard about you, you’re anorexic aren’t you? I heard from so and so…”

Even the way mental health disorders such as anorexia are portrayed, it is almost seen as the persons own fault, as if they have a choice? Self inflicted, induced and all about vanity… rather than the persons genuine mental health disorder.

If you had a broken arm people would rush to sign your cast, where as if you have a broken brain people run the other way and you’re to blame…

I’m more than proud of going away super last minute during the summer on my own. I feel empowered that I am in control of myself, and I feel a mass sense of achievement from this. 

On the flip side as little as going away for a short period of time may be to you… it isn’t the case for me. 

The preparation, the build up towards going away… since the last nightmare of a trip, all made me feel super anxious.

Whilst away somewhere, somehow, something in my gut was telling me, something wasn’t quite right. 

I do always have my guard safely and securely up, ready to protect me at any point.

I am a very giving person and I tend to invest my time and energy into things and people’s problems far too much, in the hope I can help them – sometimes to my own detriment. 

I haven’t written a blog in a while because, like I said, my anxiety has just been too “ducking” overwhelming.

Whats that saying…that means “we’re chilling or floating” like a duck on water, but paddling like crazy underneath!? Yeah that’s been me the last few weeks. Infact, no, I was more an upturned duck paddling away…mid air and feeling like I couldn’t breathe!

Can you relate? 

Sometimes, you think oh yes things are going well…. boom! A curve ball comes your way and floors you, like a game of dodge ball? but you were looking the wrong way or looking through rose-tinted spectacles of your own idealistic, perfect, hopeful reality? That makes it easy to get hoodwinked.

A funny story, have you ever thought of downloading a “dating app”. This seems to be how people are connecting more and more this day and age, via social media etc? 

Well, this was one thing I swore I would never do, and I’ll be honest, and say I thought that the only people who would need to do that must have some sort of catch… or something wrong with them?!

Anyway NO it was not tinder… haha.

After a few glasses of prosecco & (elderflower ofc) my friends persuaded me that joining BUMBLE was a good way to meet new people (as I’m self employed, not a party party girl and around where I live, everybody knows everybody).

I was then enlightened about all the love stories and marriages that had come out of these so called “blind dates”… even some of my mum’s friends and my own have had real success with this app and so my ever so slightly “intoxicated” self thought why not!?

There is also an option on this app where you can meet friends… just thought this might be of interest to add to those who aren’t interested in the “dating game” but may have moved cities or even countries for work, education etc. It is a great way to meet new people, unless you have a first time experience like mine! haha.

Unfortunately, my one and only experience turned out to be similar to… a real life… Dirty John. 

Oh and if you haven’t watched the series of Dirty John… there’s your Monday night binge right there… !!!

I can’t help but laugh at the situation myself to be honest…and I did so too at the time. I’m just grateful I’m too headstrong, to ever be manipulated any further than I had been in the past…so I straight up turned around and actually branded him a “Dirty John” *insert cringe*. 

Alarm bells do start ringing when someone pretends to be a GP, when in fact they are far, far FAR from it, that is all I can disclose. Hahaha.

Soon after I received messages that I had “gotten away hadn’t I”. And yeah, thank bloody god I had! Haha. I then received more messages from various women I had never met who where grateful I had got rid, as the same thing had happened to their friends or them, but it had escalated much further…

So yeah… not for me.

If in doubt, run a background check...lol!

Anybody got any funny dating dramas? Please comment below!

Meanwhilst I enjoy indulging in Quality Streets… its never too early to whip out the Christmas Chocolates, oh and candles… don’t get me started.

Links all included below… I can’t wait to release my next blog already as this one seems to have been collecting dust on the bookshelf for quite sometime.

https://www.cancalmcbd.com

https://www.facebook.com/courtneysCBDblog/

https://www.instagram.com/xmisscourtney/

http://21buttons.com/courtneyjackson/

https://www.instagram.com/CancalmCBD/

https://www.facebook.com/CancalmCBD/